mind and muse

I love this prompt, because it gives an opportunity to talk about the impact of change, and what that does to a person. My turning point I want to discuss is when I left my old dance studio, after having danced there for 8 years. It was my junior year of high school, first semester, and I was facing some serious mental health issues over no longer feeling good enough at this establishment. Dance is something that comes with a lot of favoritism, and toxic emotional stress, along with body image battles. It got to a point where no matter what I did, nothing was cutting it. I began losing myself in a sport that was suppose to be self-expressive. It was no longer enjoyable, and very quickly became a chore. For months, I was falling behind, and started to hate this thing that I used to love. Depression creeped over me through this realization. I simply knew deep down I could no longer continue to show up in an environment that wasn’t serving my life in a positive way. As unfortunate as the whole situation was, it was the best decision I could have made for myself. I hadn’t put myself first in a long time as a dancer, constantly trying to please my teachers, and please everyone apart of the cult-like structure in general. Therefore, I was so scared to do this. I thought, “What will my fellow dance friends think of me”, “So many people will be disappointed in me”, “What’s next for me if I’m letting go of what took up all my days for YEARS?”. Every negative self-destructive thought kept me up at night; Feeling like such a failure is something I would never wish upon anyone. And even though it may sound dramatic, at the time, it really was that serious. It took a lot of time to recover and to find myself again…but eventually, I did it. It’s now 4 years later and I have grown in ways I never could’ve pictured back when I made this brave decision. I remained dancing for my high school dance team, which was such a privilege to be apart of. While apart of that, I found myself becoming more confident, developing self love habits, and from there on I only surrounded myself in fulfilling environments. And even though I didn’t know it at the time, it made me someone worth showing up for. Even though back then, I never wanted to do that. With time, It all came back to me. Thinking about the amount of growth that’s happened since then almost makes me emotional; And I’m eternally grateful for the entire journey.