mind and muse

In my latest therapy session, my therapist and I touched on both of these widely known push-pull attachment styles. I wanted to dissect both sides, and get some insight into the bigger picture. I slightly dread writing about this, considering how vulnerable it is to talk about. However, the system of it carries a lot of value, self-reflection, and overall importance in recognizing how to live through these habits; which are more normal than I initially thought.

Anxious attachment vs avoidant attachment. Two completely opposite mechanisms that are used surrounding relationships.

Introducing the two, in short: Avoidant attachment people typically seek independence and pull away. Usually, they will fall more into overwhelm, fear of vulnerability, and engulfment. Anxious attachment people create a strong craving for closeness, and reassurance. These people will root into deeper worry, fear of abandonment, and more emotional highs and lows. If i’ve learned anything about how myself and others operate in these styles, it’s that multiple things can be true at once. You can be incredibly self-sufficient, confident, and liberated, and still turn to anxious attachment routines. You can be warmhearted, tender, and affectionate, but still be extremely avoidant.

For the last several years, I have discovered within myself that I very clearly have an anxious attachment style. Which is something that I work on day by day, and I do try to embrace it rather than pretending i’m someone i’m not. It’s something that is commonly confused as “self-degrading” even though it’s really just apprehension. Just like being avoidant can be viewed as “cold” when it’s really just emotional restraint. For me, the anxious attachment style makes me scared that I will ruin everything I care about. The more something starts to matter to me, the tighter I hold on to it. And sometimes, I fear that I will squeeze too hard.

Anxious people like myself, hate the calm before the storm. I worry that as soon as I relax, or stop checking in, or stop proving how much I care, then i’d somehow be left behind. What i’ve realized from living through this system, is that it’s all deeply rooted in the fear of something being “too good to be true”. Which is simply a hoax and an intrusive thought all in one. Sometimes no matter how confident or self-assured I feel, it’s easy to feed into the idea that I don’t deserve great things that happen to me. That is simply how anxiety exists, the brain always likes to hop on a crazy train and over magnify every aspect of life. Overthink, over analyze every “what-if?”, and go down a rabbit hole. No matter if everything is sunshine and rainbows in my world, I still look for certainty in places where certainty does not exist.

I’ve discovered by myself and with my therapist that collectively, it’s a nurture vs nature upbringing in most cases. Anxiously attached people normally have a history of strong companionship. Good family, well taken care of, secure childhood, etc. When you have all the stability around you growing up, once you reach adulthood where you are seeking love, guidance, and nurturing, it’s easy to become dependent, and wonder where all the constant reassurance went. Even when it’s not necessary. Through this, I’ve found It’s easy to become overly careful and controlling of everything in attempt for my relationships to be “perfect”. On the other hand, avoidant’s have a tendency of being people who find their authority in keeping a strong distance, along with not being nearly as confrontational as an attached person would be. Avoidance is where safety is found in detachment, and isolation. This can potentially stem from growing up as a kid in environments where talking about conflict wasn’t an option. Maybe feelings were neglected even if it was about something small, or maybe you were taught that relying on others was unsafe, or maybe you were met with constant criticism. The list can go on, and ultimately, both the anxious and avoidant approach can come down to a childhood origin. Though not EVERYTHING has to do with past experiences, it can definitely have an impact.

Overall, after reflecting upon myself, and sharing my own insight into where these patterns can come from, and how they are displayed, I want to conclude by saying how these relationship styles are not characteristics, they are simply behaviors. It’s important that we don’t let these cycles greatly impact perfectly good relationships, even if that can be hard. Build your own life, clearly communicate, and understand both sides. I believe calming this un-sustainable mechanism comes with time, boundaries, and a lot of self reflection. No matter what, it is crucial to separate love from panic, and separate connection from control.

Understanding anxious and avoidant attachment isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about recognizing the patterns we carry and learning how to respond to them with cognizance, compassion, and intention.

The goal isn’t perfection, it’s awareness.