mind and muse

Nostalgia as a whole has a been a reoccurring thought and hyper- fixation for me that seems to be universal…that heavy weight of sentimentality. Whether it be something that happen 5 years ago, 5 weeks, ago, or 5 days ago, the same ponderousness remains in our bodies. It’s a feeling I feel everyday.

For me, this feeling always sparks the most intensely after a trip. The post-vacation blues, as most call it. It’s all the exciting anticipation built up, resulting in a let down once i’ve returned back to my reality. Most of the time, I feel that I gain a very full heart of happiness, but also a heavy aching that makes me overly emotional, laying in my bed at night. It’s all built around reminiscing on moments and places that made me feel overjoyed at one point, no matter what else was going on in life. That bittersweet feeling normally lasts me quite some time depending on the event. Nonetheless, it’s a sensation that is far different from anything else i’ve felt. Other than trips, it’s also the overwhelm ties into past experiences as well. Points in your life that are far different from the present, as well as people in your life who come and go.

I ask myself, how am I only 19 years old dealing with the mirror of my past lives? Honestly, I think the aching that comes with feeling nostalgic is such a gift as a whole. Looking at old pictures, hearing a song that brings you to a specific time, or just simply remembering small moments can be so heartwarming. I do each of those things all the time. I have about a thousand photos in my room, collectively from the last 5 years. And I can’t help but think about how much my life has changed since some of those pictures were taken. Not to say that some of those times were perfect, because they weren’t. But there’s something comforting about remembering who you were down to the bone. Remembering what you wore, where you spent your days, what music you listened to, etc.

With that being said, I recently read somewhere “the past is a place of reference, not residence”. As soon as I saw that, I instantly felt touched. For me, that means looking back and seeing where you came from, and looking back and feeling grateful for everything you’ve ever experienced. That goes for vacations as well; coming home to real life and having the privilege of carrying the memories you made with you.

And to think, 5 years from now when life is completely different, i’ll be looking at my life right now and maybe even ache a little. Not because i’m doing anything crazy, but because i’ll remember this version of Ginger so well. Nostalgia genuinely is a form of grief, however, it’s the kind of grief I find myself craving, and it’s grief filled with so much love. I’ve learned with working through nostalgic emotions and remembrance, is that you don’t know your living in it until later on when you miss it. No matter if it’s the day something changes, or years down the road. So, it’s crucial to be where your feet are. It is so worth it to me having the trade-off of sadness/reflection, with life changing experiences that you get to live. Because if you don’t have that, then what do you have?

Maybe the ache is the whole point: a reminder that we truly did live something so great.