mind and muse

I always love this time of year, it’s a time of shifting, leaning into a new routine, and feeling the annual spark come back (at least for me). The spring into summer transition is so rewarding, and i’m especially feeling that this year. As my first year of college is coming to a close, I have so many thoughts and reflecting i’ve done on what I would consider to be the fastest year of my life. For starters…last May, I was SURE that moving across the country at 19 years old would be my only way of finding myself, and seem objectively “cool”. As much as I aspire to travel, I didn’t need to stare at mountains and waterfalls to see my reflection, which was my priority going into this new chapter of life. So in that sense, it turns out my financially smart parents were right. I found and learned things about myself right here at home. I was also sure that I would see people my age on Instagram doing insane things and immediately feel insecure, that wasn’t the case either. Life changed a lot, and the beautiful thing is, the unfolding in life is never ending. It’s so exciting, yet scary?

And to think, next May, i’ll be writing about how different life is all over again.

There is so much pressure these days around having a movie-worthy life. Somewhere along the way, someone out there decided you have to see the seven wonders and become an astronaut for your life to be worth something. I’ve realized living at home that life doesn’t need to have some grand purpose for it to be wonderful. That’s not me saying I don’t want to live to the fullest, but instead it suggests that simply doing things you love with no crazy pressure is really what life is all about. The purpose of life…is to live. This concept has really cured my old mindset of not feeling like i’m doing enough. Cause in reality, if i’m doing what brings me joy and fulfills me, then what difference does it make? I don’t need to save the world with my bare hands, and I don’t need and unrealistic expectation for myself and my future.

This year I redefined “interesting” for myself, although I still don’t have perfect self confidence, it’s definitely improved. In doing this, I found multiple new hobbies. I learned how to sew, play a few songs on piano, made drastic improvements in my oil painting, started doing yoga consistently, etc. In my very first post, I talked about how hobbies help anxiety. Since, then my point has been proven to myself! I still deal with anxiety of course, but I find so much peace in my own interests, and somehow that is what made my life cool, and dare I say interesting, as appose to social medias unrealistic definition of what that may look like.

Things such as eating alone, walking to class by myself, and just the idea of being this independent in general scared the shit out of me last May, as I was leaving high school. But now, this amount of alone time is honestly what I prefer most days. What I used to consider “embarrassing”, is now my habit, and I love it. I think this level of self discovery also really helped me to embrace my youth; recognizing that the a lot of things, when you zoom out, don’t matter. My mom likes to remind me all the time how young I am. “Ginger, you’re 19. Even when you’re 21, 25, 30, even 35, you are still so young”. Hearing how low I am on the age scale allows me to take things a little less seriously, that may sound silly, but it’s true. With that, there’s a strange grief in growing up. With all of this evolution i’m talking about, I can’t help but think about the versions of myself that are disappearing. But it’s comforting to know, that I remember those versions of myself just well enough to see all the growth being made; and that I also have an audience of people in my life who get to watch it with me.

So, what now. I used to think every stage of life would arrive with some huge revelation attached to it. That one day I’d suddenly become the version of myself I’ve always pictured in my head like when I was a little girl. I think people change slowly, just like i’ve noticed in this first year of change; aka breaking out of my old routine. And it happens in almost unnoticeable ways, until one day I looked back and realized I became someone new. And honestly, I think that realization has made me less afraid of the future. I don’t feel the same urgency to run away anymore, not because I’ve stopped dreaming big, but because I’ve realized there’s no deadline for becoming yourself, and there absolutely should be no pressure. Life keeps moving either way. There will be new cities, new people, new versions of me eventually. I don’t have to force all of it to happen at once. That to me is my biggest takeaway from a year full of uncertainty.

For now, I think “what now?” just means continuing. Paying attention. Letting life unfold a little before trying to outrun it.