mind and muse

I recently read an article from Time about this very topic. Even before I started reading, I had thought about it many times over.

Is annoyance the price we pay for community?

Discomfort is a core part of the social contract. We have to do things in an effort to build relationships and meaningful connections that are relational, not transactional. This comes with a price that is actually more of an honor rather than a disturbance.

People don’t highlight life’s mundane moments because everyone thinks, “Who the hell cares?” But actually, I believe those are the pockets where real life is happening. Not on a yacht, not at an elaborate club. It’s when your friend asks you to watch her dog while she’s out of town. It’s when you bring her soup without her asking when she’s down with a cold. Are those tasks fun? Absolutely not. What a huge privilege it is to be on the list of people they trusted enough to ask to do those things for them. To be considered is truly the highest form of love.

I wouldn’t consider someone a good friend if they don’t go a couple of minutes out of their way to help me, or didn’t celebrate my birthday just because they didn’t feel like going out. I don’t know when people stopped caring and contributing, but it’s an epidemic the world is going through—not only on a large scale, but simply in close personal relationships. A lot of what I’m discussing comes from experience. I have had multiple frustrating situations where I felt unconsidered, especially in moments where I desperately needed a hand. I think we really need to re-evaluate what’s actually “annoying.” The truth is, if everyone continues to go down this selfish route where small acts of service aren’t being done anymore, no one will have anything. No love, no collective care, no community.

Everybody wants a village, but nobody wants to be a villager.

One hill I will happily die on, as someone who aims to show up no matter the case, is that you will lack deep and meaningful friendships if you’re not willing to do anything annoying or maybe hard for the people you say you love. It’s not even a debate. I’ve discussed ideas along these lines before, but I think it’s important to reiterate my belief, which is that love is a choice.

Saying, “We yearn for community,” but then also saying in the same sentence that it’s out of your way to bring me something or assist me doesn’t align in the slightest. Engagement parties for the friend of a friend, baby showers for the childhood friend you haven’t talked to in months—these are events that we can all agree aren’t the most amusing. Newsflash: not everything in life is perfect. Baby showers for a childhood friend, engagement parties for a friend of a friend, awkward family reunions, etc. The big celebrations are one side of it, and then there are things like helping your friend on the side of the road who needs a lift. The grand gestures matter, but the small ones matter just as much…and sometimes, maybe even more.

Truthfully, I think “annoyance” shouldn’t be the price, but more so the proof that we are engaging in the community we say we yearn for, hopefully. I owe a lot to my family, and my friends who have repeatedly made it their mission to make acts of service a priority, but doing it all without checking some box or societal approval.

It’s all about consideration and reciprocation.