Every October for the last 3 years, something to some degree has happened to me. And i’m nearly certain, this annual occurrence happens to more people than just me.
Last year it was a good case (kind of), and as of yesterday my October feels like it’s been snatched from underneath my feet. It was last Friday at about 6 o’clock when I had to start focusing on breathing. The man I had been dating for a year, started his first sentence after minutes of not talking with a tone that i’ll never forget, and I immediately knew. We were ending right then and there. My hearing started to go out, and my stomach was in knots. We had a healthy, mutual breakup, which I have found is the worst kind. It’s because you leave the relationship with so many questions, and never enough closure. Even when it’s “healthy”, they still don’t hold your hand when it’s time to go. Even when it’s a “good” ending, it doesn’t make the reeling any shorter or any less painful.
I’m never one to believe most theories on the internet, to be quite frank, I think most of them are pretty ridiculous. However, my one exception, due to my own experiences, is the October canon event theory. I don’t know how so many October’s keep managing to shake my world. This year definitely wins for most destructive, and I even fear that this specific canon event will linger on into the remainder of the year. Seasonal depression is already bad enough, so I can only hope that i’ll be able to survive this. Queue the Taylor Swift and Phoebe Bridgers for emotional guidance.
You go through a breakup and you start noticing things like the trees. When I woke up the morning after it happened, I noticed how many mushrooms were growing in my front yard. Just yesterday I realized that there’s only two months left in 2026. It’s almost like when you’re body is thrown into a state of flight or fight, everything around you gains a new perspective. I’ve always been someone who tries to master the art of balance. I try to give just as much attention to my girlfriends as much I did to my ex-boyfriend, I try to put just as much energy into work and school, single or not. But there is just something about being in a relationship that brings you into a different universe. It’s so interesting that no matter how hard I tried, my life really was so different. And I didn’t realize until I was out of it. Even though the huge difference was simply just a person, it was a person who had all of my days and nights.
Moving forward, I have no idea what to do. Breakups are terrible, and unfortunately are all about timing, suddenly my life is ALL about timing. All I want is to go back in time and relive the whole thing, and take nothing for granted. In the same breath, i’m silently begging for 6 months to pass. It’s a clash of nostalgia and realism, and neither fills the void in my heart. I’m doing everything in my power to keep myself distracted, but also let myself feel everything. Managing life post-breakup is one frustrating, conflicting system.
I was going to try to make this post not all about me, but it seems as though my brain doesn’t have the capacity to think about anything else. It’s like i’ve endured enough heartache for one month. This year generally has been so good to me, that maybe it’s about time I go through something that makes my chest physically hurt. I think a big part of this, is that i’m partially mourning the person I was for the last year plus. I’m not worried that my spark is gone forever, but I can only hope it comes back in a timely manner. I’ve always been overly optimistic about love, and I think the reason for that is because i’ve only ever been in stable, healthy relationships. I’ve never had anything to get angry over with anyone. It’s a curse dressed up as a blessing, because the kindness and gentleness of it all makes it that much harder to understand.
I’ve mentioned before that I already have a hard time in between seasons, this is because I hate change. Especially when i’m so comfortable with where i’m at. Going into fall, i’m yearning for peace, and just maybe some laughter if i’m lucky. The leaves are turning red, pumpkin spice is back, and Halloween is in just a few weeks. We are losing the brightness of summer, but gaining the quietness of fall. In my situation, i’m losing an incredibly consuming part of my world, but I guess you could say i’m about to gain a whole new version of myself. And hopefully, i’ll gain that spark back too.
In the meantime, I’m striving to keep writing, reading, and watching my favorite movies. When going through a borderline traumatizing period, the best you can do is breathe and reboot, as Carrie Bradshaw once said. The rest of me will come back, and I keep reminding myself that more often than not, the right decisions can feel deeply wrong. I’m allowing myself to be weak, and take up time and space.
This is a canon event that I never saw coming. If you would’ve told me that this would happen back in February, I would’ve been utterly shocked. But then again, i’m not the same person I was 8 months ago. Navigating this fall will not be easy, but i’ll be okay. I’ll be okay because I have to be.
Here’s to starting over.
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