mind and muse

Never have I ever found that the phrase “fake til you make it” successfully applies to achieving true confidence. That may just have been user error, but if that has actually solved the epidemic of low self esteem for some women, i’d like to meet them.

This semester I have single handedly took on an extremely busy schedule, fully by choice. And i’m not saying this in a “look at me look at me” tone, but to be honest it’ll boost my own confidence talking about how i’m actively gaining confidence. This narrative is something that I am now so passionate about, it feels like my birthright to share it.

I’ve worked at a coffee shop for over a year now, and just about three weeks ago I took on a second job as a sales associate for a fitness company, and lucky me because I love both places so much, (as far as part-time work goes). So collectively, i’m working roughly 35 hour weeks. I have school everyday, with a wide variety in subjects. History of Western Art, Composition, Speech, etc. I have this blog where I am writing everyday, along with my Substack…I’m also reading two books (The Poems Of Emily Dickinson, and Does Anyone Else Feel This Way by Eli Rallo), so I have a mix of intellectual historic reading plus a thoughtful memoir written by a 26 year old. I also recently started a new painting to put in my portfolio for when I inevitably apply to art school. That is essentially my life in a nutshell, and I don’t expect anyone to be impressed.

Everyday that I practice these things that overflow my cup, even if it’s just something small, a new drop of confidence dribbles over me. It’s not loud, cocky, or fake. It’s quiet, humble, and honest. Calm confidence, as my dad says.

Establishing any routine that is busy but still brings you joy is the key that I was looking for; a key to the gateway of confidence as a 19 year old girl, or anyone for that matter. Summer and winter breaks are always the hardest for me due to this exact reason, the lack of routine. I have 0 distractions, and a lot of time to just think. But pondering more about it, I have ample resources to maintain a confident mindset even while not being in school or working as much. And the answer to that for me, is hobbies.

I’ve always been huge on REAL hobbies. Hobbies act like a “Go-Guide” to finding your personality and interest(s). Hobbies to me are the pinnacle of what makes humans so unique. Which is where a good level-headed place of self-esteem comes from. The last thing I would ever want to encourage it overworking yourself. Because for the longest time, I thought maybe THAT was the key to success. But actually, i’ve learned that there is a huge difference between building a life that fulfills you, and biting off more then you can chew, because after not much time I began to resent that life.

I have seen myself just in the last two weeks gain a spark. Not that I never had one, but this spark is different. My posture is better, I’m not nearly as anxious when I go to bed at night, I don’t see work as big of a deal, I view everything on a much smaller scale. And not only has being busy built my confidence tremendously, but I’m simply viewing the world different; perspective changes everything. It’s almost like going through your days in a fast paced manner proves to yourself that you can do the simple things you stress every. single. time, and at a 100% success rate. No time to think about insecurities, anxiety provoking thoughts, etc. It’s just life being lived in the moment. THAT to me is where confidence grows from. It’s planted in all of us somewhere, it’s just our job to water the seed so it can blossom.

I still don’t know everything about building confidence, but these key details and reminders are definitely a start for me.

A busy life builds confidence. Not only a busy life, but a fulfilling life. I recommend you give it a try. Here’s to growing!